June 2008 Archives

Dear Mrs. Colin Firth,

Yes, we understand... good to know he's as advertised.

With Envy,

Mamarazzi

Dear Madonna,

It seems that the whispers about your failing marriage just won't go away.

The Mamas at Mamarazzi are, frankly, amazed that you would ever fail at anything, especially a marriage with a younger man. After all, if you're showing the world this...

... then it seems to us that you must have reserved a few tricks just for Guy, especially if you are trying to make things work.

However, it appears you need a little help and we are here to offer some advice.

First of all, a little shampoo goes a long way, dear:

Next, if your husband makes the effort to wear a tuxedo when taking you out for a night on the town, don't dress like his middle-aged mother:

Also, get your roots touched up.

While some husbands might find three-ways and girl-on-girl action hawt, most are not amused when the little wife brings home an STD:

Since you have been practicing yoga for years, you might want to try a little Sting-and-Trudy action on Guy:

Finally, sometimes you might want to add a little excitement in nontraditional ways. Forget about sexy lingerie -- the whole world has already seen you in your unmentionables. Instead, we Mamas suggest role playing and costumes:

Luckily, if you need any, ahem, supplemental books or videos, you've already made your own:

We really hope you'll listen to our advice, as we have a total of 87 years of marital bliss among the five of us. We know a thing or two or ten about keeping romance alive, even when the husband's snoring keeps us awake at night, the dogs crap on the rugs, and the kids are driving us batshit crazy.

Good luck Madonna! We're rooting for you.

XO,
The Mamas of Mamarazzi

We're still trying to fix comments. If they don't work, click here to leave a comment at Jen on the Edge.

We just heard that Kimora Lee Simmons is demanding a massive amount of shoe money child support from Russell Simmons. She's apparently asking for $480,000. To the arithmetically-challenged, that's $20,000 per child per month.

Now listen, don't get us wrong. Everyone knows the price of gasoline is going way up. And limos get notoriously lousy mileage. And regardless of how it looks, leopard print is not cheap.

But honestly? We think Kimora could economize a bit more. Even if we were paying tuition at Harvard Medical School, we would find it difficult to spend that much on a couple of little girls.

For one thing, we looked on eBay, and for as little as $35.99, we could buy each of those girls her very own Kimora Lee Simmons doll. To keep them company when their mother is off "writing books," "designing clothes," and shopping.

Who could possibly spend that much money every month--and on what?

Experts say that one way to shed those pesky post-pregnancy pounds is to have a diet buddy. You know, lose weight with a friend. Maybe even competing a little to see who can get skinniest.

Look at how skinny Jennifer Lopez has gotten! We mean, who else is that svelt four months after the birth of twins?

*

*

*

*

Yipe! Marc Anthony wins! Dude, trust us when we say the competition's over!

Dear Melissa Joan Hart,

In a world of celebrity mothers scheduling c-sections at 36 weeks to avoid that final month of belly growth, Mamarazzi would like to thank you for rockin' the floaty tankini.

Now, go make out with your hot husband.

xoxo,

Mamarazzi.

To whom do you think these newly pedicured tootsies belong?

We'll give you a hint... it's a new parent...

Jessica?

Jamie-Lynn?

No!

It's Dean McDermott.

We now leave you to your laughter.

It's a lovely gesture to set something aside that was of importance to a deceased parent for their surviving child. Wedding dresses, pieces of sentimental jewelry, or a treasure photograph are common choices.

And we can sympathize with burden on Larry Birkhead. What possession could capture the essence of the late Anna Nicole Smith, famous for T & A and vapid gold diggery, for one-year-old Dannielynn?

However, because Daddy is a a moron and Momma didn't have hobbies other than posing in men's magazines, DannieLynn's memory box will contain lingerie Anna Nicole wore for a Playboy photo shoot and we're not very impressed with that.

But we are not that celebrity baby blog.

No, we're sitting over here, trying to come up with a congratulatory post about Jamie Lynn's baby girl, and all we keep thinking about is the way US Magazine referred to Jamie Lynn's babymama, Casey Aldridge, as a "pipe layer."

Pipe layer? Don't they really mean "Jamie Lynn layer?"

[rimshot!]

Because you have a computer, we assume you've already seen David Beckham's new Armani ad.

We know you can't take your eyes off of Becks' Armanis and we're betting you're as curious as we are.

It's so bulbous and perfectly arranged, we wonder if he's got a codpiece under there.

What's IN there?

Please tell us, just what IS popping David's pouch?

-Can wear a brown paper bag and STILL manage to look fantastic

-If she trips and falls because of her Mrs. Roper-esque garb

Brad Pitt helps her up

And the most damning evidence of all:

-STILL HAS ONLY ONE CHIN IN THE LAST TRIMESTER OF A TWIN PREGNANCY

Hide. Your. Daughters.

You know how sometimes you pick a supermarket line not because it's shorter than the others, but because it has better trashy magazines?

And how you maybe don't want to admit it, but you check out Perez Hilton, D-Listed, or TMZ.com every single day?

And how you justify buying Posh Spice's book because it will be really useful research for a Mamarazzi post?

Oh, that last part? You mean it was just us? Well OK. Confession time: one of us bought a copy of That Extra Half an Inch. Because she thought it might come in handy when she needed material for a Mamarazzi post.

And it just did.

There are certainly some howlers in this book, as well as plenty of evidence that this edition was rushed through the American press (newsflash for British editors: Americans don't know what "the high street" is) but unfortunately, the fact remains that Posh's advice about shoes is actually pretty good.

Which brings us to this photograph of Posh and Becks at Disneyland:

For the record, in the book she recommends Havaianas because "they come in great colours [sic] and are probably the first flip-flops ever not to rub painfully between your toes, thanks to their satin-soft rubber."

So while she never says "For God's sake, wear comfortable shoes to trudge through Disneyland with your hunky husband and three sons!" it's clear from the picture that the girl still knows her flip-flops.

We know.

Is there a fancy German compound word for the crushing sense of disappointment we feel in seeing the Beckhams looking and acting so--well--normal?

It looks like Amy Winehouse's dad Mitch is bonkers, too.

He told British Newspaper The People that having babies will help Wino quit drugs.

He said that Amy's "desperate to be a mum".

He added, "As for the drugs, she will get bored with them because the desire for children will take over. Amy knows that if she and Blake are going to have kids then she has to be in perfect health. I honestly think that in two years she will be fit, healthy and having babies - motherhood will be her drug."

We don't know where to begin to correct Papa Winehouse.

So instead we'll ponder who should father Amy's children. Amy's husband, Blaaaaaaaaaake? Or maybe Amy's crack pal, Pete Doherty? Or a third choice. How about Boy George, 80's pop superstar who's not only shared drug issues but could share his hat and handbag collection AND eyeliner tips with Amy?

CLICK HERE TO LEAVE A COMMENT ON SARAH O'S BLOG. We swear, Mamarazzi's comments will be working again soon!

Photo Credits: Wenn (the Winehouses), Perez Hilton (Boy George)

As well as HER BRA.

this just squicks the helll out of us...

also, we're cranky about comments, because, let's face it kids, we know you have plenty to say about the world's first pregnant man.

Somewhere, little Sean Preston cries hysterically.

You know, usually we wait for a celebrity to drop her baby, or get drunk and be videotaped verbally abusing his child, or include her very young children in her cheesey reality show (we're talking so young that she probably asked "Honey, do you want to be on television with Mommy?" and her child answered "OK! Will I get to meet Dora the Explorer?") before we jump in and start snarking.

But Dame Rumor has started to whisper.

It might be the empire waist.

And everyone knows that satin shows off every little bit of extra weight.

But we're wondering whether Paris HIlton is making good on her threat promise to produce some scary demon spawn yet another celebrity baby next year.

Then again, maybe that bump is just a Carl's Jr. burger

p.s. We're so sorry that our comments are still down. We miss you guys! If you email your comments to mamarazzi.org @ gmail.com, we'll add them to this post.

------WE CAN HAS COMMENTS?-------

If this is true, then Paris is a blatant copycat. First Nicole finds happiness with a Madden boy, then is was Paris. Then Nicole got knocked up by a Madden boy...

If Paris is truly pregnant, then it begs the question: What kid of mother will she be? I'd like to think she'd copy Nicole AGAIN and finally grow up and embrace motherhood. Or, will the baby just be another accessory for her to tote around, just like that damn dog was?

Jen on the Edge

Oh come on... she swallowed a TicTac.

flutterby

Christina Aguilera busted a few moves a few nights ago at Las Vegas' LAX nightclub. We kinda wish these pictures had stayed in Vegas.

She has names for some of her moves:

This one's called "Make Hubby Make Himself Scarce".

This move's called "I Hope These Aren't Extensions".

She calls this one "Here's Where Baby Max Exited Four Months Ago!"

Yet we still prefer Christina's antics to Tom's soulful Dirrty Dancing.

Photos/Video: Aguileraworld.com, Collegehumor.com

Today's Mamarazzi is brought to you by the letter "C".

"C" is for complicated

"C" is for Charlie

and "C" is for c*nt.

Although we at Mamarazzi typically believe the use of extreme potty language is merely an indicator of weak vocabulary skills, in this case, we think Denise may have had a point...

*this scene is from Denise Richard's new reality show on E!, It's Complicated... she is trying to "talk" to an editor at People magazine about some of the sarticles they have printed about her and, finding herself being dismissed by said editor, losing her cool and calling her a c*nt.

We love Baby Brewing's clever T-shirts because in just one line, they capture the essence of mothering children at various ages and stages.

For those those around-the-clock feeding days:

Mommy Needs a Latte

For the terrible twos:

Mommy Needs a Nanny

And for the teenage years:

Mommy Needs a Cocktail (The "and keep them coming" part is silent.)

The shirts can be seen on some of Hollywood's coolest parents, but one celebrity mom appears to have been trying for her own "Mommy Needs" line.

Kudos to Tatum O'Neal for for her imaginative new contribution to the genre: Mommy Needs a Crack Rock.

However, considering the fact that even Whitney Houston is clean, we're not sure this one will really catch on.