In case you were wondering about the fundamental difference between France and the U.S., it's this - the French see a 40+ mother of 2 as a sexy, showing-the-girls-and-the-leopard-panties vixen, while the Americans see that same woman as a potential cover girl for a box of Massengill.
Not that we need to see crotch shots of anyone, but ROAR Julianne Moore...
We're late to the party, but still we feel the need to weigh in on the Miley Cyrus Vanity Fair Cover Scandal.
It's this photo of Miley and her daddy, Billy Ray... we can't help but feel confused when we look at it and so we turn to you, our dear readers, and ask for your opinion -
Photographic evidence that chaperoning school field trips is hazardous to your beauty health, even if you are a yummy mummy like Heather Locklear.
Before
During
After
Tom Cruise is going back on Oprah.
You all remember the last time, right? We don't need to post a YouTube video to refresh your memory, right?
Well, apparently, Tom needs to promote a special 25th anniversary release of Risky Business on DVD. Yes, ladies, it's been 25 years since he jumped on this couch:
And since Risky Business was the single most important cinematic masterpiece of our generation, Oprah is devoting two days to the shameless pandering celebration.
We have only one question. Are her ratings slipping?
On Monday, Miss Katie, oh shocker of shocks,
Had lunch with Tiaammii, all covered in pox!
On Tuesday, Miss Katie, that hot, clever fox
Was seen in a catsuit, from boobs down to sox.
We see a theme here, we see lots and lots
Of mommy and baby all covered in spots!
photo: Splash News
We get that Tom Cruise is rich. We don't think he's made a good movie in a squillion years, but yes, we know that he is minted. We know that Katie Holmes is even wealthy in her own right... pulling in the dollars from mediocre films and Dawson's Creek residual checks... what we don't get is why anyone, rich or mega-rich would spend $100,000 on a child's birthday.
Some mornings, TomKat makes Mamarazzi choke on their lattes.
When the children of Mamarazzi had the chicken pox, the Mamas of Razzi slathered on the calamine lotion, dispensed Tylenol and settled said children in for marathon viewings of Max & Ruby...
Apparently, our other option would have been to take them to lunch at the Ivy.
Well done, Jordan. Princess Tiaamii looks nothing but fucking miserable happy.
Kids, please realize when nicely asked to clean your room, you don't want to fuck with Matt Damon.
Let's call it Rosie's Kids Want to Lead Normal Lives Even Though Their Mother Won't Stop Saying Totally Embarrassing Things.
See, Rosie O'Donnell recently said that she wants to lapdance for Jimmy Kimmel.
Now, Jimmy is probably too busy f*cking Ben Affleck to respond.
But we, the innocent mamarazzi, now have to live with the image of
writhing sensuously on top of
and we won't be happy until you share our pain.
Are you in agony yet? Then our work here is done.
Alicia Douvall is one of those British "Glamour Models". You know, the models who sink so much money into plastic surgery they evidently can't afford clothing.
She claims to have had over 50 plastic surgeries, 12 surgeries on the twins alone and she's planned another one.
Alicia has a 12 year old daughter, Georgia. She's the natural beauty in the picture above.
Alicia told Closer magazine, "Georgia wrote a little birthday wish-list for her 13th birthday later this month and on it was Kate Moss perfume, an iPhone and a boob job."
Alicia said she will get her daughter a boob job, but not until she turns 16.
"I think a 16-year-old with a nice, sexy figure will do really well as a model as long as she's managed well. That's why I'm happy for Georgia to have a boob job because it will give her a career. She's been at a modeling agency since she was about six. She'll be more famous than Britney!"
Click the arrow on the button below for a musical interlude while you hold your head in your hands.
So we're guessing Georgia's comfortable with plastic surgery and won't need My Beautiful Mommy, a new book written for kids whose moms are undergoing plastic surgery.
photos: Closer magazine, Newsweek
We at Mamarazzi want to say that maybe, just maybe, Amy Winehouse is not the best person to have watch the baby...
What the hot hell is this?! Our guess: diamond encrusted rewards for going in the potty like big girls.
Except with more irony:
We bow to the genius that is Erykah Badu.
In spring, a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of snogging. And we all know what that can lead to. And we don't know about you, but we are not ready to be Grandmarazzi.
So we find ourselves wondering: how can we get our kids to behave themselves on prom night?
The answer, of course, is embarrassment. There's nothing like it for dampening adolescent ardor. We hope you've been saving all the embarrassing pictures of your offspring in a handy folder for just such an occasion.
No?
Luckily, Will Ferrell and Heidi Klum are here to help.
All you have to do is show your kids these photographs right before they get in the limo. First, the tongue-in-cheek faux '70s boogeying
and then their amazing reenactment of Meatloaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light."
We guarantee, your kids will come home virgins.
We won't snark Lisa Marie Presley's look because she's 40 and pregnant - with twins, it's rumored.
But her prom date husband's costume outfit? From the sequined hat to the powder blue suede shoes (so clever), he's the poster child for What Not To Be Caught Dead In.
Or with.
Then again, maybe we should be respectful. Lisa Marie and prom date hubby, Michael Lockwood, are practicing Scientologists.
Maybe Xenu made him wear it.
Photo: Wenn
Dear Tori,
Go away.
Very sincerely,
Mamarazzi
p.s. We're guessing that if you had a sonogram right now, the baby would be lifting up her dress and showing us her underpants.
In piece written for the Huffington Post, Rob Lowe tells of the blackmail threats he and his wife have recently received from a former nanny to their children:
A former employee is demanding my wife Sheryl and I pay her 1.5 million dollars by the end of the week or she will accuse us both of a vicious laundry list of false terribles...
If Mamarazzi had known that the way to fortune was celebrity nannying with a little extortion thrown in for shits and giggles, we could have saved our parents a lot of tuition money and avoided that bitch Sallie Mae.
How many times does 82 go into 23?
Or 29?
Or 35?
Kid: Yo, Cindeeeee, check it out! This is how to make a good armpit squack....
Cindy: Maybe Ashton will jump out and tell me I'm being punk'd if I just keep smiling.....
Well done, Mickey!!
We already told you Demi's version of the story. It involves leeches named Rumer, Talulah, and Scout.
But this? Is really the secret of Demi's eternal youth.
If we found this on our pillow every night, we'd look good, too. Because BoyToy is the new Botox.
Tracey Ullman has a new TV show, State of the Union on Showtime.
Tracey writes, acts, sings, dances and does KILLER impersonations. Here's a video from an upcoming episode in which she impersonates our favorite stage mom, Dina Lohan.
Brilliant! What more can we say? Oh, we can tell you it's got some appropriately NSFW language.
Your thoughts, please.
We're not sure whose expression we like more... Kid Rock's, in all his greasy goodness (badness?) or Cindy's in all her smooth botoxed yet still more gorgeous than the rest of us?
But what we're really interested in is what these two are thinking... so we're leaving it up to you to tell us.
Best conversation winner will be announced on Saturday.
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