January 2008 Archives

It's been reported that the voice of Bart Simpson, Nancy Cartwright, donated $10 MILLION, yes, TEN MILLION SMACKEREENOS, last year to The Church of Scientology. Ay caramba!

We're told the money was earmarked for “Global Salvage”, the Church’s efforts to “rid mankind of psychology ills and other aberrant behavior”. What, she wants to rid the world of the very essence of Bart Simpson?

Never mind what we Mamas of Razzi have to say about this whole Scientology thing. Never mind the ten million things her two kids have to say about Scientologists eating their mom's brain.

What do The Simpsons have to say?

Bart: I know you're a Merchant of Chaos* but what am I?

Lisa: MEST?** Meh.

Homer: Bart, Xenu*** is make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

Marge: Oh, Scientology can't be so bad. I mean, it's got to be OK if that cute Tom Cruise says so, right? Oh yes, and that darling little drone, um, wife of his, too.

Maggie: Suck suck.

* Merchant of Chaos -A synonym for an anti-Scientologist or Suppressive Person. A bad person; a person who speaks ill of Scientology, and should therefore be punished.

** MEST - Matter, Energy, Space, and Time; the parts of the physical universe.

*** Xenu - The evil galactic ruler who packaged up all humans, put them in Hawaii, and blew them up with H bombs 75,000,000 years ago.

In case this was too subtle,

Becks offers another hint:

Is it true? Could there be *gasp* twins under all that fugly fabric?

That would be what? 6 kids in 3 years?

Interesting family planning.

Look, we're realists here at Mamarazzi. If you want to keep your kids away from drugs, you need to do more than tell them Just to Say No or show them a public service announcement of a frying egg.

Take it from us, this photo will work better than any government or 12 step program:

Thank goodness the internet is around to get us out of our mid-January funk. At the moment, it's all about Scientology. First there was Tom Cruise, and now we keep running into an old Scientology promo film featuring a cameo appearance by Kirstie Alley.

In the tape, a suspiciously big-haired Kirstie claims that "without Scientology, I'd be dead." Which may be true, in which case, let's hear it for Scientology. If she's telling the truth.

And yet, can we believe her? After all, she also claims to weigh 145 pounds.

People, she's 5 foot 9. This is NOT 145 pounds. And so, in our opinion, the jury's still out on the so-called benefits of Scientology--at least as far as Kirstie Alley is concerned.

But without Jenny Craig? Kirstie would be selling dolls on QVC.

Lenny Kravitz recently told Maxim magazine that he has been celibate for the past three years.

"(It's) just a promise I made until I get married. Where I'm at in life, the women have got to come with something else, not just the body, but the mind and spirit. It usually trips them out, but that's the way it's going to be. I'm looking at the big picture."

Lenny Kravitz? Mr. Backseat Mambo? Zero hoo-hah? First, we're here to help you with your quest. Secondly, forgive us, Lenny, if we don't quite believe you this time. We don't believe a lot of screwy things celebrities say.

Which gives us yet another excuse to feature brings us back to Tom Cruise's Scientology video.

Maybe Tom knows what he's saying but we can't make sense of it. For instance, this quote:

"So, for me, it really is KSW*, and it's just like, it's something that, uh, I don't mince words with that. You know, with anything, (that colorization is?), but that policy to me has really has gone , boy, there's a time I went through and I said, You know what? When I read it, I just went (noise that sounds like poof), This is it. That's exactly it."

If you can't see the video or can't believe your ears, here's the Tom Cruise Scientology Video transcript.

Discuss.

* Keep Scientology Working (as if!)

Still reeling from the sad and shocking loss of Heath Ledger, we could kiss Jerry O'Connell full on the mouth for this welcome distraction:

Our prayers and condolences to Heath's family, especially sweet little Matilda.

We can go two ways on this photo of Keeley Shaye-Smith, aka, Mrs. Pierce Brosnan.

A) Good for you, Keeley! You go ahead and swim and sun yourself and let's all celebrate a "real" woman and her curves!

B) Um, Keeley, get thee to the gym and hire thee and trainer and work off thy's fatish arse.

We'll let you decide.

Sure she's saving the world and all, but seriously.......

Demi Moore's on the cover of this month's V magazine. (Ever heard of it? Neither had we.)

OK, we admit she looks great. But check out what she had to say about Britney Spears:

No one has seen it worse than Britney Spears. How can anyone see that and think that’s an OK way to expect anybody to live, no matter where they’re at in their life?

OK, we admit it. We grabbed the quotation from Perez Hilton, and it's all we've seen. Maybe if you read it in context, it'll make all kinds of sense. But out of context? We can only come to one conclusion:

Demi's plastic surgeon left her brains on the cutting room floor.

We're glad that some guys are dads. They're good dads and make adorable kids.

Then there are some men we'd like to be dads. And we'd like to be the mothers.

Then there's David Spade. Jillian Grace, Playboys' Miss March 2005, says she's having his baby.

Add him to the list of men we sincerely wish would use condoms.

Dear Britney Spears,

We understand that you might be playing us here... maybe that's just a sparkly ring and not a testament to future betrothal to your user paparazzi married lover, new beau Adnan.

Then again, we've learned that everyday with you brings a new stupid ass decision surprise.

Not that you are interested in our advice, but you are currently giving Tom Cruise a run for the Craziest Motherf*cker Award we firmly believe that with some meds and some therapy (NOT from Dr. Phil) could pull it together.

Love,

Mamarazzi

It's back up, but clearly, we've teed off Xenu and this video may disappear again.

This video is about 9 minutes long which is, we understand, a bit longish... but holy hell... watch and see for yourself.

It's easy to joke about Scientology (and by the way, that makes us "SPs" or "suppressive persons") but watching this, and hearing, straight from the #2 guy himself over there, just how deluded they are with their, We can bring peace and unite cultures well, makes us a little nervous.

The good news is that if you are in a car accident, you can count on one of Tom's peeps to pull you out of a ditch... Scientology - the AAA of cults religion!

looking forward to hearing your feedback readers of 'razzi... are you as squicked out by this as we?

At first glance, Katie Holmes statements on her 2-year-old daughter Suri appear the boasting of an overly-proud new mother, until you pause a moment and read between the lines.

Says: "She's a very strong woman"

Means: "Suri will save me from this cult when she gets older."

Says: "I'm very proud of her"

Means: "Suri fills her pants every time we have an audit session because even she realizes this stuff is a load of crap."

Says: "She's actually teaching me a lot – probably more than I'm teaching her."

Means: "Running and screaming might be our best means of escape at this point."

Says: "She's very smart and strong."

Means: "She's nearly big enough to run on her own when we make a break for it."

Says: "And (she's) really magical"

Means: "This child is going to help me disappear."

That's what we said when we heard the latest about Madonna.

Here we were thinking we were going to report on Yet More Bizarre Behavior By Britney, or write a faux dialogue allegedly overheard between Nicole Kidman ("Neener, neener, I'm having a baby, too!") and Katie Holmes ("Oh yeah--well, I had mine first!")

And then we heard the story about Madonna. Specifically, that she spends $10,000 a week on bottled water. Because she only drinks bottled Kabbalah water.

First of all, what is Kabbalah water? We don't get it. Does it have a red string in it, like the worm in a bottle of tequila?

Also, spending that amount of money for water? What's next--paying for air? (Didn't Michael Jackson do that at one point?) Or maybe starting to bathe in ass's milk, like Cleopatra? Or the blood of young virgins, like Demi Moore?

Stop it, Madge. Think of the children. Why, $10,000 a week, properly invested in a 529b fund could provide college tuition for all of the children in one of those African villages you like to depopulate.

What will Harry Potter look like when he's 47 (and slightly gone to seed)?

Or, what celeb has evidently been watching lots of Harry Potter movies with his four kids?

Or, who at last ditched the wraparound specs?

Bono! Don't you think he looks a lot like Harry Potter all growed up? Even a little?

Look who Paris Hilton was seen partying with on New Year's Eve:

It seems since K-Fed and Larry Birkhead have made Details magazine's list of good daddies, their stock has gone up. And they're single.

But we still think she could do better.

Photo courtesy of inTouch online.

Because there's no way to be lighten up a nervous breakdown, untreated mental disorder, or Dr. Phil intervention, we're serving up a big plate of Happy Family for the world today. Enjoy!

We wish.

Think about it. Can you even keep track of the pregnancy speculation we had to deal with last year? OK, some of it was justified: J. Lo comes immediately to mind. And OK, Nicole Ritchie. We didn't see that one coming.

(Neither did she. Hee!)

But everyone else in Hollywood has been declared pregnant. At the moment it's Britney Spears and Jennifer Anniston.

At times like this, even we get tired of the mass media. Call us cynical, but you know what? Some of these people will say anything to sell magazines.

And so we thought we'd start off the year right. We've done a lot of research and feel it's safe to say that the following women will not be declared pregnant in 2008:

Hillary Clinton

Dolly Parton

Dr. Ruth

Oprah

and

k. d. lang.

The following will be speculated about, and the speculation might even be justified:

Britney Spears

Angelina Jolie

(Or maybe she'll just adopt. Again.)

Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay's little sister

(Because it will probably be open season on little sisters.)

Heidi Klum

and

A major politician's former aide

Are we forgetting anyone?

1. Get the help you need.

2. Get Well.

3. Get rid of that pink wig because it makes you look like Erin Esurance, which is WAY too ironic.