Today, Mamarazzi celebrates the birth of American freedoms the traditional way, with friends and family.

We'd like to add a sickly waif in need to our family celebrations this year.

Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay. You need us. AGAIN. Come stay with the Mamarazzi Mamas and feel free to live the real good life this July 4th.

Feel free to hold an umbrella over the grill chef, because it always thunderstorms right when it's time to roast the weenies.

Feel free to help us make a traditional red, white and blue Jell-O® mold that never sets up properly and ends up in semi-congealed pools on our Chinet®. We slurp it down it anyway.

Feel free to learn our strategies on how not to get impaled in our friendly games of lawn darts.

And feel free to stick to Diet Dr. Pepper®. You'll have to settle for getting your alcohol fix from our Flaming Red, White and Blue Shooter breath.

Photo Montage: TMZ

It never occurred to us that there could be ANY downside to having a no-longer-breathing mother-in-law.

Thanks, Newsweek.

This one's a couple of days old but it's still grossing us out: It's just that good.

Fifty-one year old (struggling) actor Doug Hutchison recently married 16 year old Courtney Alexis Stodden, who has the best three word combo career ever: "aspiring country singer".

We all know that the phrase "aspiring...singer" translates to "talentless, will do anything for attention." But wait, it gets better! Courtney's mom has this to say:

Ryan Dunn, RIP, "star" of the Jackass film franchise and, according to Wikipedia, best known for shoving a Hot Wheel car up his ass, was killed, along with his passenger, early yesterday morning when the car he was driving crashed. Alcohol is suspected as just hours earlier Dunn was tweeting photos of himself out cocktailing with friends...

Roger Ebert, movie critic turned pithy tweeter, took the Internet yesterday to say this:

"I just lost my best friend, I have been crying hysterical for a full day and piece of s*it roger ebert has the gall to put in his 2 cents about a jackass drunk driving and [he] is one, f*ck you! Millions of people are crying right now, shut your fat f*cking mouth!"

Well, Bam, while sorry for your loss, Mamarazzi would really like to point out, as we stare at the flattened and charred piece of metal which once was a car, is that this was a 100% preventable tragedy. While you and "millions" of others might be crying "hysterical", shed some tears on the fact that this didn't have to happen.

Jackass.

We're getting worried about Angelina Jolie. She's currently doing her U.N. Ambassador thing visiting Syrian refugees in Turkey, and we applaud her for that.

But we want her to come home from Turkey and visit the Wisconsin State Fair. Then make a pit stop at a 7/11 for a Big Gulp and a sack of Cheetos. Followed by a photo op at Millions of Milkshakes. Washed down with a Venti Frappuccino with whipped cream and extra syrup. And finish with a week-long fried oyster, bread pudding, and beignet-athon in New Orleans.

We won't sling the a------- word around. But girlfriend is looking frail.

Yeah, saints and great religious leaders tend to be portrayed as ectomorphs. But Angie, nobody is more generous, loving, and tirelessly giving than Santa Claus, and he's thicker than a whale omelet.

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Photo courtesy of Celebitchy

Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, still thinking your boyish charm, money and power make you different from us. Mug shots are supposed to be about shame: A mug shot all over the internet is the 21st century equivalent to being put on public display in the stocks.

We're not exactly sure what you did to get arrested because we don't care.

We DO care that, once again, a powerful, privileged man thinks he can do whatever he wants because it's his right.

And we're calling you on it. Grow up.

Dude, like all the politician boys-will-be-boys in the news, you've also exercised your right to profoundly disappoint the people who worked so hard to make you who you are.

Thousands of people have taken precious hours volunteering for you. They've gladly handed you millions of dollars to represent them. They've driven millions of miles proudly displaying your name on their bumper stickers. And they've braved dreadful November weather to vote for you.

Let's not forget your parents. They were humble people who clearly did many things very right to make you capable of rising to the upper crust of our country.

Let's not forget your kids, who love you and look up to you as their role model.

Your continued selfish behavior has shamed every single one of these people. You've made fools of them for giving you their time and money and worst of all, their belief in you.

So do you look sorry? No, you look styled and spray tanned. And a little smug.

People in power, think! You've got the greatest good. You've got influence. People listen to you. As moms of teenagers, we know just how rare and precious that is.

You could use your influence to inspire people to do great things. You could motivate millions of people to do small things to make a real difference. You could energize millions to actively volunteer their time not to elect people who will let them down, but to lift up others. Helping humanity: This could be your historic legacy.

Instead, you've made your legacy one of cheating on your terminally ill wife and now, yet another former Senator breaking the law. Remember, John? We elected you many times over to uphold the law.

So, Senator Edwards, and all those just like you who are in the news, next time you look in the mirror to touch up your hairspray, look into your eyes and see who we see.

And hopefully, you can inspire yourself to make the world a better place, starting with yourself.

Photo: Reuters
Illustration: www.etc.usf.edu

In 1924, the Chicago based Marshall Field's Department Store, introduced the very first wedding registry allowing newly engaged couples to choose the china, crystal and silver with which they wished to start their married life. It's a win-win solution, especially for young couples who may have little more than plastic slurpee cups and beach towels.

Mamarazzi loves a gift registy. It makes life for everyone involved easier and if a bride feels that she must have a punch bowl set, or a stand mixer, or special BBQ tools, who are we to deny her? A good and thoughtful registry will also have a range of price points enabling both broke roommates and wealthy grandparents to hit a home run.

However, what about those rare couples for whom money is no object? Just what to get a couple of multi-millionaires for their sham wedding?

Well wonder no more as Kim Kardashian and her intended, Kris Humphries, have helpfully set up a Wedding Registry at Gearys and for a mere $6,500, you can buy them this Lalique vase:

or, if you are one of The Poors, you can buy the never going to make their first anniversary future Mr. and Mrs. Humphries this bargain priced Baccarat candy jar:

Click here for a full listing of the reality star and basketball player's desires... Mamarazzi hopes that if they do indeed receive their full set of wedding china ($5,400 for the plates alone) that they remember that everyday can be a special occasion...

Mamarazzi's pushing the limits today: and all we're doing is reporting on a fashion award!

Many of today's photos (and link) are really, truly NOT SAFE FOR WORK, unless you work for Charlie Sheen. Angels, read on. Everyone else, USE CAUTION GALORE!

We'll start off with a tame photo of Lady Gaga arriving to accept her Style Icon trophy at the Council of Fashion Designers of America (CFDA) Fashion Awards in New York Monday night.

We think this outfit would have benefitted being accessorized with three gigantic bodyguards. Not only would Gaga have looked more iconic, at least one of them could have broken her fall off of her oh-so-70's 24 inch platforms.

Perhaps Gaga wanted to see if she could make a full body cast iconic.

We hear your brain loud and clear, Gaga: "Look at me, dammit!"

OK, HERE COMES THE PART YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR. NSFW ALERT! WHEE!
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"AHEM. HELL-OOOO...Look at me, dammit!"

Lady G. really got her icon on at the after party. Her Frederick's of Hollywood icon, that is.

Mamarazzi doesn't see the iconoclasm here, but we can see some practicality:

1. Clubs get really hot. If you wear this, your deodorant won't fail.

2. We've always wondered why anyone would wear shape-shifting underwear to allure guys (or girls), only to have the saggy truth revealed in the boudoir. No false advertising here!

And hey, we can see Gaga's painful yet ineffective bustier indentations, too...Iconic!

3. Um, we can't think of a third practical point.

Gaga also revealed yet another Style Icon tip: Always stuff a walk-of-shame dress into your purse.

Oh, and remember to pack a pair of flats, too.

This is not a paid review, we've never been to the Alamo Drafthouse, but from this PSA they created from an actual voicemail from an unhappy patron, we can tell we like every single thing about the place.

This clip is entirely NSFW or children, but if you can steal a minute and a half away from everyone, we promise you'll smile and be proud to be a citizen of the Magnited States of America.