The evidence mounts: Tom Cruise bases his life on classic movies.

First, his life mirrored 1941's Citizen Kane. Kane came to unlikely wealth in his youth when a massive gold deposit was discovered under his impoverished mom's land.

Cruise came to unlikely wealth in the pseudo-John Hughes flick Risky Business by dancing in his tightie whities.

Kane surprised everyone by marrying a dignified, exquisite woman who was, quite frankly, out of his league.

Cruise surprisingly married the stiff but regal and classically gorgeous Nicole Kidman.

In both cases, it didn't end well.

Then Kane married a sweet, innocent young thing.

Taaa-daaa! Ditto Tom and Katie Holmes.

Kane started molding his adorable girlish wife into something she wasn't: Posh. Tom did too! Pun intended!

Kane encouraged, nay, forced his sweet young thing to star in the classiest of stage performances, an opera. Kane's wife was ill-equipped for the job and suffered very bad reviews, indeed.

Tom just may have landed a serious, heavy Broadway role for little Katie in All My Sons. Katie dutifully slogged through a role and venue way too big for her.

Thanks to their husbands' pushy ways, both Kane's wife and Katie very quickly grew old and miserable.

Now we need to switch movie comparisons because Tom's opened a major new chapter.

Tom reportedly desperately wants Katie to have a second child. Katie is said to be going through a rigorous and painful Scientology "cleansing" program as well as all sorts of um, unusual testing and teaching to become worthy of bearing another child. Some go so far as to speculate that Katie will be impregnated with Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard's old frozen sperm.

Some say that Katie's children are truly Xenu's spawn!

Cue 1968's horror masterpiece, Rosemary's Baby! Rosemary was a sweet, innocent, lovely young woman unknowingly impregnated by Satan. Sound familiar?

During pregnancy, Rosemary was ordered to drink a foul concoction several times a day for the health of her unborn child.

Got barley milk?

Although we never got to see the child Rosemary bore, her expression says it all.

Cue yet another movie comparison. This is how we envision Katie's unholy child of Xenu:

Chucky!

And what about big sister Suri? How will she take being knocked off her Incredibly Indulged Only Child status?

Let's just say heads will spin.

Photos, in order: RKO Pictures (all Citizen Kane),Warner Bros.(Risky Business), Time magazine, The WB (Katie Holmes), Big Pictures (Katie & Posh), AP Photo/Boneau/Bryan-Brown, Joan Marcus (All My Sons), WENN (Katie tired), Paramount Pictures (all Rosemary's Baby photos), Daily Mail (Katie, Suri, bottle), United Artists (Chucky), Warner Bros. (The Exorcist)

We admit it: when celebs appear to be doing a piss-poor job of child management, we feel better about ourselves.

And for many people, their pets are like children to them.

So when a certain High Priestess of Perfection's fur baby takes a bite out of her own editor during a photoshoot, we suddenly don't feel so bad that our garbage cans aren't monogrammed and that our signature gift wrap involves the Sunday comics and a roll of duct tape.

In the most recent issue of Black Book, Julianne Moore shares:

It's not the photographers who bother Moore most--they provide a service, she says, for which there is a regrettable demand--but rather our culture's desire to prop up celebrities in order to watch them fall. "Sometimes I see other moms reading tabloids and I always tell them how dangerous they are for young people," she says. "Don't waste your time investing in the story of some pretty blonde who just got extensions and broke up with her boyfriend. Spend that time thinking about your own girlfriend who just got extensions and broke up with you. Keep it in your own life."

As much as Mamarazzi liked The Prizewinner of Defiance, Ohio, Mamarazzi would like you all to ponder just how you would feel if, one sunny morning, you were enjoying the latest issue of OK magazine, reading all about the Kardashians and fad diets and spray tans and alien Elvis babies, when out of nowhere, Julianne Moore taps you on the shoulder! Wowzer! But, just as you're about to lavish praise on 30 Rock, she wags her finger in your face and tells you how "dangerous" your tabloid reading is...

Just imagine.

Mamarazzi imagines you would invite Ms. Moore to have a great big shut-the-fuck-up-sicle.

And so, Mamarazzi would like to take a moment to offer Julianne and the rest of her ilk, the Angies, the Jennifers, etc... the following PSA:

Dear Celebrities of the World:
You CANNOT have it both ways. We, the peons of the public, the unwashed masses, can only be interested or not interested in you. There may be a magic 3rd choice available to you A listers, but the rest of the hoi polli must make do with out paltry "either/or" option. That is all.

This PSA brought to you by Internet gossip.

We'll have plenty to say about the red carpet at the Oscars, but right now, we're watching them. So we'd like to share our thoughts about Saturday night's Independent Spirit Awards.

What does it mean when hot, young, and perky women cover up their cleavage

whereas the more middle-aged either spectacularly fail the pencil test,

Mr. Darcy with a couple of beagle ears

let their breasts wander all over the place,

Maggie Gyllenhaal in Lanvin

dress like someone going out on Halloween as an exploding tube of toothpaste.

Mariah Carey in Spanx

Does this signal the end for bare-it-all fashions, and the floppy-breasted are simply the last to hear the news? We believe so. It seems to boil down to Young Hollywood telling Older Hollywood to put some goddamned clothes on.

With that in mind, Mamarazzi proudly presents our first caption contest. The best caption for the following photograph will win a $25 Starbucks gift card.

You have until midnight Monday night, so think of something devastatingly funny and leave it in a comment.
---
All photos from MTV.com, except for the last one, which is from dear Dlisted.

What is it with female Disney stars these day? Was Haley Mills like this? How about girl who played Jane Banks in Mary Poppins? Did she go all wild child as soon as she reached puberty? We think not.

Anyway. We've sat through the trailer for Machete a couple of times. Machete is the film in which Lindsay Lohan finally makes her come back. But we can't tell who should be more offended by it. Mexicans? Motorcyclists? Catholics? Anyone whose last name is Lohan?

At 1:40, that's 23-year-old Lilo cozying up to 65-year-old Danny Tejo. Honestly. How vomit-y can you get?

We're pretty sure Machete won't be shown at the Venice Film Festival, but if it were, Cheech Marin would deserve an award of some kind. His portrayal of a ruthless gun-toting priest is the most realistic thing in the film. On top of that, he didn't burst out laughing during any of his scenes--and we hear he has a pretty good sense of humor.

Machete goes direct to video premieres on April 10. In protest, we plan to stay at home watching our video of The Parent Trap.

Birds are chirping. The sun is warm. Tiny buds appear on the trees. This can mean only one thing:

SPRING CLEANING!!

Even celebrities have to occasionally take out the trash. Alec Baldwin is no exception. Spring is here and he needs to get a few things out of his life...

... such as that awesome Village People cop costume 1977. Alec got a lot of mixed reactions that Halloween.



It's hard to let this go, but Alec wore out the grooves on this gem. This heavenly music got Alec through many a lonely night.



This cereal was tasty, but what's left in the box is a tad stale. Out it goes!



Ahhh, Alec remembers painting by the numbers fondly. But Alec's in a sharing mood, so it's time to let Mork & Mindy smile upon new faces.



Lastly, Alec must part with this nearly five foot tall portrait of himself, commissioned by brother Billy as a gift to Alec's then-wife, Kim Basinger. Incredibly, Kim left this masterpiece to Alec after their divorce.

For reals, you can own a giant, vintage 1991 masterpiece of smarmy Alec sexily smiling upon you. Those eyes! Those Vinnie Barbarino LIPS! Oh, muses of the arts, we thank you for this most beauteous offering.

If we win this, and money is no object when it comes to such a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, we'll hang it right next to our prized statue of Michael Jackson and Bubbles.

Jerry Seinfeld, the comedian who brought you the "Show About Nothing" back in the '80's, is hoping to repeat the magic by producing a brand new television show called Marriage Ref.

You remember Jerry. He's the one who hooked up with a woman he met WHILE SHE WAS ON HER HONEYMOON.



But Jerry's not the only "do as I say, not as I do" celebrity involved with the show. There's also this guy, known for keeping his cool during trying times with loved ones:



But it gets even better! One of the super special celebrity guest stars selected to serve as ref has not one, but TWO busted marriages under her Boy Toy belt!





We guess it's true: those who can't really do get to judge others!

(N.B. This post was actually authored by Susie Sunshine, a brilliant writer and talented password-forgetter.)

Let's work backwards shall we?

Backwards from 3 hours, thank you very much ABC, which is how long this romantical festival of forever took... 3 HOURS.

It's Vienna for The Final Rose and no weak "let's date and see where this goes" half ass commitment speech from the most chatty and decisive Bachelor in history... nosireebob, Jake gets down and one knee and proposes to Vienna with a very sparkly Neil Lane diamond ring.

Hearts! Flowers! Love!

Meh.

Mamarazzi, for what it's worth, does not get all the hot hate for Vienna found in chatrooms and, of course, in the weird little tribe of Season 14 Bachlorettes. ABC, for all their efforts and Ali, the Queen of the Mean Girls, for all her bitching, never showed the viewer anything more than a rather hyper girl who offended by talking about how great her one on one date with Jake was... something that every other girl in the history of the show has done... It really felt as though Ali realized Vienna was her greatest competition and started the Down With Vienna campaign... and it worked. Girl didn't have a friend in the house or, in the audience.

PSA:

Here is the thing - bullying is never ok. Trashing others to make yourself feel better or to try and direct an outcome to your desires is not ok. And don't give Mamarazzi that old, "where there is smoke there is fire" bit because it doesn't hold. Girls are committing suicide over being bullied. They are dropping out of school, sports programs, and jobs... in this case, we never saw one damn example of why she was so bad... Vienna even apologized to the house at large for whatever she had supposedly done and what she got for that was more hateful behavior. Mamarazzi won't be recapping Ali's season as the Bachlorette because quite frankly, she is just not a nice person.

Now, back to the recap:

It was basically, "He's Just Not That Into You."

There was the meeting of Jake's family where everyone cried because Tenley is a real live Disney Princess and if Jake picks her it will be a world of magical talking animals and dishes... or Vienna where everyone decides she isn't that bad after all.

There are long walks on the beach with Jake looking stressed and if you thought it was a good idea to have a shot of liquor each and every time Jake said, "It's hard to be in love with 2 women", you are probably in the hospital today.

Other overused potential leading to alcohol poisoning phrases: Vienna is so full of life/Tenely has such strong values/both these women have a piece of my heart.

Mamarazzi hopes you are all ok.

Final dates: Volcano Mud Bath for Vienna and Snorkeling for Tenely and basically Jake lets the old cat out of the bag on that big yacht with Tenley... the physical chemistry is just not there. Oh, he backpedals something fierce, but it's out there, hanging around in the air, and it's something all the women at home know to be true... The Evil Queen is sexier than Snow White.

Helicopter! Jade Mountain! Jake!

Mamarazzi would just like to point out that St. Lucia is ridiculously gorgeous and if the Tourism Board is looking to bring some snark to their island, Mamarazzi is available.

Jake breaks Tenley's heart and much to the dismay of Mamarazzi's cousin, Tenley does not do a sad Mime Dance of the Broken Hearted.. instead she tearfully thanks Jake for showing her that she can love again and Jake tells her he'll never forget her.

Vienna arrives and can barely walk for the nerves. It's okay Vienna, tah dah: You're the Final Rose!

Ring! Tears! Proposal! Yes!

snooze.

After the Final Rose

Lights! Camera! Tenley!

Tell America how much it sucked to have your heart stomped on... oh, Chris Harrison, you dog.

Tenley does and she is sweet and Mamarazzi will be honest with you... that voice is not something we will miss.

Jake comes out and Tenely tries to stick it to him a little by asking if it was fair to Vienna for him to propose when he obvs all these feelings for her. Jake basically slaps her down by plainly stating that the magic sparks? Not with her. But he'll always be her friend.

Tenley hauls off and smacks him in the kisser.

No? Well, she should have.. friend!

Jake then tells America to basically suck it. Vienna is "his baby" and has a wonderful heart and they are so in love and then Vienna comes out and she looks better... her hair is a little warmer blonde and it's an improvement. Chris Harrison queries her on all the negative tabloid press and she calls it all nonsense and tells us that she is such a "sweet person."

No love from the audience. But they seem happy. She is moving to Dallas and Mamarazzi wishes them well... fade out to Jeffrey Osbourne, LIVE and serenading them to, of course, On the Wings of Love.

Now it's time for the official reveal: Ali the new Bachlorette.

Hoo-fucking-Ray

She's all "blessed" and "overwhelmed" and everyone is clapping and if Mamarazzi sets the DVR correctly, Mamarazzi will never have to see her again.

Sheesh, famous people, way to go. Here we are, desperately clinging to the last remnants of our hipness, and we find out that Jim Carrey just became a grandfather.

The youthful grandfather with his youthful girlfriend Jenny McCarthy

The extremely youthful Jackson Riley Santana

OK, OK, we get it. We remember In Living Color when it was first on television, and we saw Ace Ventura in the movie theater.

The not-so-youthful LemonySarah SusieSunshine Kristin Poppy Buxom Gloria Swanson

We're ready for our Geritol, Mr. Demille.

But sometimes the media makes us feel that way.

We know what you're thinking: How can this be? How can hilariously funny, eternally-youthful hipsters like the Mamas of Mamarazzi get geriatric-tracked by the media?

Here's the deal: it happens when news reports that Seth Green is engaged to marry model Clare Grant

identify Seth as the producer of Robot Chicken.

Because, come on, stupid media people! Seth Green is Oz.

(Bonus points if you think Seth Green is Dr. Evil's son Scot.)

But Robot Chicken? Kids these days ... hey you! Get off my lawn!

p.s. Congratulations to Oz Seth and Clare! Smoochies! Albeit wrinkly ones.